Self-silencing

Self-silencing sucks. I've always been the type of person to speak my mind - in a respectful way. I'm good at listening, and the older I get, the more I listen and the less I talk, but I still feel the need to speak out when I see things that I feel are wrong. This is made very difficult in the context I live in. I live in a context where it can be very dangerous to speak out against anything! We've been told clearly - directly and indirectly - never to question, never to criticize and never to say anything even mildly political. Of course this is not just us. A whole generation has grown up under this. When I mark ZSYL assignments, my biggest challenge is to get students to say what they really think or believe. People have been taught that it's dangerous to have an opinion without first checking if it is THE correct opinion.

This morning I was asked to pray for the country in these uncertain times (waiting for election results) and I felt myself self-censoring everything I was saying. It was frustrating because I was PRAYING - speaking to God, and yet doing it in public, so I had to be careful. I have to be careful in board meetings. I have to be careful when talking with almost everyone. I have to be careful in emails and on the phone. It's easy to get a head-ache just trying to keep quiet. I remember when I met up with my friend Kathy in Uganda and I just talked and talked for hours straight. Because there was so much I needed to let out!

My friend was telling me that her daughter has been listening to the radio/t.v. and is now going around her house saying, "chenja, chenja." This is cute, and yet part of me was alarmed when I heard this. Could this small girl get in trouble by the Central Intelligence Organization for merely saying the word "change"? A simple slip-up like that has serious consequences for adults. Could it for children as well? It's easy to be paranoid and to feel strangled - by self.