Exhausted

It's a shame when you're really tired on a Monday morning. Especially when you've had a 3 day weekend! At our workplace, women officers are given the option of taking Fridays off. I was given this option too. For 2 years my feminist heart cried out "sexist! unfair!" but now my pregnant body is crying out "thank the LORD! another day of rest!" Friday my body won out. It was a tiring weekend, not because we did too much... but just because I spent a lot of time thinking. Trust me, that can be tiring.

I've learned a lot in Zimbabwe, but one big lesson has been how to live in survival mode. People in Zimbabwe are excellent at this. I admire them hugely because no matter what happens, they keep going; they keep surviving. Sunday I got to talk to my brother Joel on the phone. His first question was, "How's it going?" and of course I replied, "we're ok!" Then he said, "Right. As long as you're not under direct threat, you're ok." And I burst out into tears. Because that's what's expected here. No matter what happens, in Zimbabwe you have to be ok. Whether there's food in the shops or the shelves are bare. Whether there's power and electricity or you're in the dark. Whether you're being beaten or tortured or having to sleep outside at night to try to somehow protect your home from being burned down or not. Whether you spent the weekend at funerals and visiting people in the hospital or not. You have to be ok. You have to keep getting up, finding a way to feed your kids breakfast, and making your way to work. That's how you survive.

I've always wondered about the unacknowledged stress of Zimbabweans; what will happen to people's mental health if they finally have a break from this crisis that's been lasting for years. This weekend I started to wonder about myself. The sad truth is that although God - through Zimbabwe - has made me a stronger, deeper person, I still get stressed. I'm still more scared than courageous; more spoiled than noble. For me, living in Zimbabwe is physically, emotionally, ethically and often spiritually exhausting. Physically, I feel like I've aged 20 years in 2. Emotionally, it's sort of hard to assess. I don't feel stressed all the time, but I recognize the nightmares, the effects of severe restrictions on freedom (i.e. freedom to walk places or freedom to say what I'm thinking), the way I felt when I was home in Canada and when I knew there were only a few days before we had to return, etc.. Ethically, due to a lot of reasons I'm afraid to put on a blog (but can I just say that social justice is a lot easier from the comfort of a laptop with a cup of Tim Horton's in your living room than from the field?!?) Spiritually because it's hard not to question God about why He's not intervening in a more obvious way for people who are crying out to Him daily.

Now I'm pregnant, and of course that adds a new element - for parents worrying back home; for a husband who is excited but anxious; for a mother who tends to worry about the whole world and who maybe needs to think of a more limited definition of "family" for a time... (thanks to my wise brother for that too). Whew - I need a nap. I just don't know if 9:30am is too early to get under my desk for some shut-eye...