We just had a blessed few days in Kingston. It was great to see Bram & Anita and we fell in love with baby Wesley. It's hard to imagine how much love we're going to have for our own baby (although I have an idea from the way John kisses my belly and says "I love you! God bless you!" to our baby through my ever-expanding stomach every night!)
Let me share honestly. I had some mild panic attacks in Kingston. While we were there we saw and met many young couples with young children, beautiful houses, huge t.v.s and gorgeous backyards. We got a lot of advice on babies and what babies need. In Zim, if you are expecting, you save money in order to get a towel (to wrap the baby around you) plus some cloth diapers, a blanket, maybe some bottles... Here it seems like you "need" a mountain of furniture and supplies, and thinking about all the stuff we need made me panic. I cannot really explain how different this world of middle-class Canada is from the life we have been living in Zimbabwe. Although I have seen it with my own eyes, it is hard to conceive of the fact that both of these places are on the same planet. I am struggling mentally and emotionally to figure out how to "be." How to live in Canada while having experienced Zimbabwe. I know that God sent us to Zimbabwe and I know that we are not supposed to forget our experience there. I am just mentally straining to figure out how to incorporate those life lessons into the Canadian way of life. I am terrified of getting caught up in the consumerist rat-race that is North America, but I don't want to be a social recluse/bitter missionary either. "Stuff" is fleeting. At 4am yesterday we started wiping up water with towels because our friends' place (where we were staying in the basement) started flooding. Anything could change in a moment and all of our coveted "things" could disappear, so John and I have always valued people and experiences above things. But you need some things. A baby needs some things. How much? Right now, I have no idea!
To be honest, when we came home at Christmas, I had mild panic attacks the few nights before we were supposed to go back to Zimbabwe. At the airport, I was literally making myself sick (which I'm sure was a huge comfort for my parents!) I'm horrified that I'm admitting that to the world, because I know I shouldn't have felt that way. I love Zimbabwe and I loved our life there. But it was hard - physically, emotionally, spiritually, ethically. It's hard to watch people you love suffer. It's hard to see the place where you live get worse and worse and to know that it's a mad-made disaster. It's hard to feel helpless. It's hard to stress all the time and to know that you shouldn't stress because if you were a better person you would just trust God completely and not worry about "minor" or selfish issues like having water/electricity or finding food.
I am thankful for some friends who have been "defending" us on our blog about whether or not we should have left. These friends (and others who didn't comment) are being empathetic and not wanting us to feel worse than we already to about leaving. But I'm not upset that someone anonymous asked the question or whether or not we should have "retreated." It's a great question - something we wonder about every day. We have to live with the guilt associated with privilege. Privilege that allowed us to walk through those airport gates to an easy life, waving to people we love and care for who are struggling to survive in a place that gets worse and worse, day by day, week by week. It was heart-wrenching. Period.
And now it's: what now? what next? Now that we're here, how do we live our life? What impact does Zimbabwe have on my choices in Canada? And that's what we're trying to figure out. I guess I want you to keep remembering Zimbabwe and praying for people there, but we still need some prayer too! I'm wondering whether it's worthwhile to keep up this blog (since we intended it to share our life from Zim) but maybe it's helpful to someone somewhere to know some of the thoughts/feelings of someone coming back.
7 comments:
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Dear Rochelle,
I really appreciated this post. I too am back in Canada after three years in Egypt and it has been an adjustment. The one thing I found striking were all the reality-based television shows about home improvement, garden improvement, self-improvement, makeover shows, how to train your dog shows, and so on. It has been interesting, but alarming as well. After watching a few of those shows, one suddenly feels deficient in so many ways...!
Coming back has really made me realise how consumer-oriented our society is. Sadly, it's seems unavoidable - I too am afraid of succumbing to the pressure to buy, buy, buy...
Hope you are well.
Alice
I spent a much shorter time in SA than you did in Zim (and that was 10 years ago, almost!) and I STILL have these dilemmas about all the "stuff" you supposedly need. I question absolutely everything I acquire - which probably isn't a bad habit really! When my sister had her baby in January I was amazed and shocked by the amount of baby paraphernalia she bought, but psychologically it made her feel better prepared and so maybe it made her a better mum because it made her feel more confident about motherhood.
I also still have guilt about my relatively comfortable life here, but I definitely haven't forgotten the people I met and the lessons I learned, so I try to focus on the positives of my experience there and hope that I left some positives behind too, when I left.
I definitely felt it was more of a culture shock to come "home" after being in SA - it took me ages to get used to the UK again! It's partly because you expect it to feel normal because it's home, but it's also partly to do with assimiliating everything you've seen and learned whilst you've been away. Give yourself lots of time to adjust, because for you, with a baby on the way and (probably!) hormones going crazy, there are even more changes to get used to.
As for what baby stuff you may or may not need, I'm working on some knitted bootees for him/her, which I would modestly suggest will be essential!
With VERY much love,
Carie x
There are alot of choices you need to make about this young one of yours, and I am convinced that is why gestation lasts for 9 months. Your influence from another lifestyle will dramatically affect these choices you will make.
:diapers - cloth or disposable
:nutrition - formula or nursing
:toys - educational or daddy's favorite slippers
:transportation - stroller or sling
:diaper changing - baby furniture or pad on a table
These are all the things that can bring about anxiety surges...it is a natural reaction to the big reality of "being prepared". Baby mania is prevelant, and it takes a steady soul to resist the temptation to need it all. Mostly because baby clothes look so cute, and safety precautions hit you exactly where it hurts - you really do want to keep your baby safe.
Tackle your decisions one at a time, and watch your decisiveness grow and show you that you are not panicky about the due date you have. You may find that your decisions tackle your anxiety, espceially about being swallowed up by a consumer-based culture.
You will find that your decisions reflect your place in the world, where you have been, what you desire for the future. You may find that your desire for simplicity, peace and an uncomplicated lifestyle will be specifically reflected in your choices. You may be able to have more than a towel for your baby to wear, but the love of your life may not require 35 onesies, maybe just 12.
Breathe deep.
John wears onesies?
Cool.
Hi Rochelle,
Although I only lived in Zim for 10 months and visited a few other times, I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying. I'm still struggling with how to live a simple life here (failing most of the time) and was shocked how easily I fit back into our consumer culture. If you ever want to chat, I'm closeby in Mississauga.
Take care,
Julianne Percy :)
Often the people who ask, how could you leave are those who have never lived the life of a missionary in a country that is suffering to the extent of Zim. After watching Hotel Rwanda, when the people were made to get on the bus, I asked myself the question... would I leave or stay?
There is no right or wrong decision, it is personal and one only you and John could make. Trust that God is with you, He definitely is... you are His children and no matter where you live He will use and equip you. Allow Him to heal you, give Him time to provide rest as you re-adjust.
Praying for you.
Debbie
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